Mindfulness as a form of Self-Therapy
I’ve been on a quest since Junior College trying to find answers to life. As if a young women would go against the norms and question the very meaning of her being . A philosophical question was posed. What if there was no God? This went against everything I had been taught. My father, a Methodist Minister was who I admired. All we four siblings ever knew were the teachings of the Bible.
All that was about to change when at twenty-one I would have it my way. I put on the back burner everything I was taught, including the teachings of the Bible. Furthermore it never made any sense to me. This began my questioning of the rules made by the ruling class. I looked under rocks, swam across the vast ocean, stood on a cliff and jumped, knowing there was a bottom, but not knowing when I would land.
I was running on automatic pilot. As if there was a being inside of me pushing all the buttons, kicking down the door, running at high speed. From the outside I looked like junkie looking for the next fix, an addiction that would never be filled, trying to feed a hunger, not giving my life what it truly desired, feeling like there was this big question and I had to find the answers.
I would never stop hitting a brick wall. When I did, I would retrace my steps, make a slight detour and move on. Not standing still for too long. Knowing very well water become polluted if it is not flowing. I was like a sailor taking on the challenge to cross the vast ocean to get to the other side. Not knowing where I would land. The sheer excitement of the voyage was what I was after. I found that and more, such has been the essence of my life.
Always wanting to be accepted, but never did I find the refuge in the heart of the other. In the past this troubled me. I would implode and make the same choice. Knowledge is what I devoured trying to find myself. I have come to the conclusion that I had better love and accept myself. Love whom I have become, appreciate the decisions I made, glance over my shoulders and move on.
I have been a tiny spark that grew into a mighty flame, burning a pathway to happiness. A passion inside of me for answers to the meaning of my life. I am worthy I accept this as fact.